. . . with a déjà vu twist

I swear my life has come a full circle.  It's like I am having another bout of fall/winter 2006-2007(only in a half life. . . aka half the time).  It's true that history repeats itself but I didn't realize my life already had a history that could be repeated, but seemingly so, it does.  Seven years ago, at specifically this same time of year, the man I had been waiting on and pining over for two years finally told me that we were going to end whatever it was we were doing (he had broken my heart in May but we continued a seeing each other type thing until November-ish, but that is another story for another time).  He had never said he loved me, and while that Tuesday night, November 7th, he casually stated, "I do love you," it was quickly followed with, "you're an amazing person and I like having you in my life and being friends.  We are moving on from this.  The way this has to happen is; you need to find someone first because you care about me more and then I will move on as well."  I had cried so many tears up to this point that I didn't really have any left.  What could I say?  I loved this man for two years and he never said he loved me back.  No matter what his eyes had revealed to me during our time together - I had to trust what he was saying and let it be.  We will refer to this ex as Ben.  Perhaps I will make a chart as a post for reference on who's who in my life.

Two weeks before this proclamation, I had been at a social event for one of my classes at CU Boulder.  I was there with a few athletes; we were talking in a circle and I asked one of them what he did.  The guy next to him (we will call him Matty) rudely interrupted my question and asked me the same thing, "What do you do?"  Matty was tall, 6'4" with a good build.  He definitely stood out.  I had no idea who he was and had no idea why he interrupted my question - so I completely ignored him and let the guy next to him answer.  But for some reason, Matty had gotten in my head.  The next day in class, I asked one of the golfer's who that tall guy was the night before.  "That is Matty," she said.  "What sport does he play," I asked?  "Uhhh, I don't know, I think it's football."  Something about the way he tried to get me to notice him made him intriguing to me.  The next CU football game, it was freezing outside; so  Ben and I stayed in to watch the game.  I was sitting on the couch next to Ben when I heard the announcer say, "Matty Smith for the carry." That's when it hit me; that was the guy from the social event - he was a wide receiver for the Buffaloes.  I had thought about him some but with Ben's new idea for me to move on first - I had to know more about this Matty.

Two days after Ben told me I needed to move on, he asked if I could come pick  him up from the bar and give him a ride home.  I forgot to mention that he lived across the hall from me my Senior year and we lived right near the football stadium next to campus.  Thursday was a big night out in Boulder and I was home studying.  I left to pick him up and he came over for a little while.  We were kissing and I actually remember the exact place we were in my studio apartment.  We were sitting on the floor in front of my couch, his back against the couch and me in his lap facing him.  He was kissing me when I stopped him and said, "Are you sure you're ready to let this go?" and he said, "yes."  I then asked him, "What if I'm the one?"  And in one instant, my entire life was changed when he softly said to me, "You're not."  I don't know if it was the profound statement that made something click, but I do know his words changed something deep inside me.  If he knew I wasn't the one, there was nothing more to be done.  He knew.  Who am I to argue what he knows?

The next day, my best friend Kyra came into town for a fun weekend(and not a day too late).  She was my comfort and a great distraction from the chaos that had just happened the night before.  She and all our close friends were going to spend the weekend together and that included going to the football game on Saturday.  I told everyone about my new crush on Matty (even though I really knew nothing about him.)  We sat behind the players bench that day and every time Matty walked up and down the sidelines, I couldn't help but stare.  All my friends kept teasing me for being so obviously obvious.  We actually won the game that day and all planned to go out for a fun night in Boulder.  I knew this was my chance to go talk to Matty.  When all my friends left, I found Matty on the football field.  He was talking with a little boy and signing something when I walked up to him with a big smile.  I laughed a bit when I asked him sarcastically, "So what do you do?!"  He smiled and said, "I am a wide receiver."  "I see that," I said, "Do you remember me?"   Matty replied, "Yes I do, but I never caught your name, I am Matty."  I asked if he was going out and we made plans to meet up that night.  He said he would get my number from one of our mutual friends on the team.

I went home giddy with excitement.  I needed to take a nap before the big night ahead when Kyra text me, "I didn't know you went and talked to Matty!!! He asked Heath for your number!"  I can't describe the excitement I felt that afternoon lying in my bed before my nap.  With one chapter of my life just ending; the night's promise of a wonderful new beginning was almost palpable.  We met up that night at The Walrus and hit it off immediately.  He grew up on a farm in a small town and happened to be Christian and went to the same church I did.  He kissed me that night after I dropped him off at home and before we said goodbye, he asked me to dinner the next day.  (He accidentally forgot his wallet in my car - it must have fallen out of his pocket, so its a good thing he had already asked to see me that Sunday otherwise he may have been in trouble!)

We caught fire quickly.  It was over with Ben and I was ready to let someone love me fully.  I was also ready to love someone that would allow me to love them.  We spent the next few nights getting to know one another over dinners, moves and football.  No hold-ups or hiccups here.  I could tell he was ready for something real and serious and so was I.  That Wednesday (the week before Thanksgiving), Ben had an annual week long trip planned to go hunting with his dad and a few other men in Nebraska.  Matty had football practice and was going to take a nap in his car, when I offered for him to sleep in my apartment so that he didn't have to be squished in his car.  I lived in a place called University Heights - it is built on the down-slope of a hill next to the stadium at the CU campus.  Matty was walking up hill and I ran and jumped in his arms.  He spun me around and kissed me before we stumbled up to the door together, laughing hand-in-hand.  I had to go to work, so I showed him around my place and went across the hall to say goodbye to Ben before he left on his trip.  Ben was very stand-offish and odd.  I was hyper and happy on a new romance.  I had finally met someone that made me feel special and beautiful.  I didn't know what his issue was but I said goodbye, gave him a friendly hug and headed off to work.

Matty made me feel incredible.  What I had been searching for in Ben's closed heart was freely given with Matty.  He wanted to talk to me all day long, made plans to see me every night and would constantly tell me I was amazing, or beautiful, or make statements like, "It's your world babe, it's your world."  My mom and sisters came into town for Thanksgiving and were able to meet him.  They liked him a lot as well.  My mom liked that he grew up on a farm and felt that he could take care of me.  Things were going very well for us on all counts.  He had to leave the morning before Thanksgiving to go to Nebraska to play in the annual rivalry.  I had baked him some cookies and made him a goody bag before I went to his house that Tuesday night to spend time with him before he left town.  We were watching movies, talking and hanging out but my phone wouldn't stop buzzing.  I had no idea what was going on but when I looked, I saw Ben had been calling and texting me like crazy.  I didn't think he was supposed to be back for a couple of days so I was confused and also freaked out that Matty would wonder what was going on.  I finally left Matty's so he could get some sleep with the promise of him coming to say goodbye in the morning(I surprised him with the cookies and goody bag) before he left for Nebraska.

When I got in the car, I called Ben and asked what the deal was.  "I just wanted to surprise you," he said.  I was really confused at his behavior.  He hadn't really done anything like that before. When I got home, I went across the hall to his apartment.  We turned on a movie and talked about his trip and then he made a confession. "That day I was getting ready to leave, I was taking the trash out and I saw you and Matty together."  I was in complete shock.  I had no idea.  No wonder he had been so weird when I went to tell him goodbye.  He talked about how we had to be strictly friends so that Matty and I had a real shot and I couldn't agree more.  I was ready for this with Matty and I knew that Ben didn't want to be with me.  Over the next week, Matty and I continued in the excitement of new relationship and romance.  Ben and I were just being friends and I felt happy.

Ben asked me to go to dinner (just as friends) on Wednesday November 29 and we went to Hapa on Pearl Street.  I remember our table against the wall behind the hostess stand.  I was facing Ben with my back to the door.  Hapa was our favorite place for sushi and we were talking like old friends like we always had, when he said, "so I wanted to talk to you about something that I have been thinking a lot about lately.  I have been talking to my mom about it, wondering if it's just because I think I am losing you to someone else, but she doesn't think it is and neither do I.  But . . . this isn't over for me.  I am ready to be with you and I want to give us a real chance."  I was in complete shock.  Completely silent.  He said, "I bet you didn't expect to hear that from me when I told you I wanted to talk to you huh?"  I shook my head in disbelief and said, "I thought you said you knew I wasn't the one?"  He said, "I was just scared."  I didn't know how to take this or what to do with it.  Things with Matty had been amazing.  No red flags, nothing I didn't like.  I had met his family, gone to a Broncos game with him.  I really liked him.  Ben could probably tell there were a million thoughts flashing through my head so he added, "You don't have to decide anything right now.  You can take your time.  Take as much time as you need.  I will wait for you."

I had to go home that night and tell Matty what happened.  He was furious.  Who wouldn't be?  He also told me I could take my time deciding and figuring things out.  So for a few weeks, they each took me on dates essentially vying for my love.  Matty hated when I was with Ben.  He would get very jealous and ask me questions he really didn't want the answers to.  Ben was a little more understanding - I mean we had been through similar situations for almost two years straight.  I had no idea what I should do.  On one hand, I had met an incredible man in Matty - he treated me like I wanted and took care of me in a way Ben never had.  On the other, Ben was finally where I wanted him to be after over two years of waiting for him to want to be with me, he finally did.  Christmas break was approaching and I would have some time at home away from both of them to hopefully clear my thoughts and figure out what my head and heart were telling me was best.
I remember the day Matty made me question what kind of husband or father he would be.  We were walking to my apartment one night after one of my finals.  One of the soccer girls had done a Sociological study on how different the male athletes were treated at our school in comparison with the female athletes.  He made some comments and statements about who brings in the most money and that men should be treated better than women because they have a bigger pull.  This really scared me.  Ben has always seen men and women as equal and his parents very much believe the same way.  Matty was raised in a Christian home with the mindset that a man is the head and makes the decisions and the woman should submit to him.  For the first time in my life, I no longer knew if a man had to be a Christian to be with me.  I think that night I knew in my heart, Matty was not the man for me.  Though it took a lot of tears, (I cried almost every single day for about six weeks, I just did not know what to do).  I finally decided I would try things for real with Ben.  I think it was sometime like January 16.  Those poor guys, I just couldn't decide what I wanted.  A few weeks later, Matty met the girl that is now his wife.

Ben held true to his word.  He was a completely different man.  He was amazing to me.  He made such an effort that I barely recognized who he was.  I had a couple of things in my heart that I needed from him.  First of all, I was not going to tell him I loved him again without him saying it first this time.  I had told him many times before and he never said it in return, so it was something I needed to hear from him if I were to ever say it to him again.  And the other thing I was waiting for? . . .  to fall in love with him again.  I couldn't find what I felt about him for the past two years.  It was like a ghost.  I knew it had been there but I couldn't see or feel it.  Here he was, being everything I wanted; it was everything I wanted for over two years and I couldn't find what I had felt.  We were the best of friends.  We could do anything together.  We threw our graduation parties together and planned a month long trip after we graduated to Costa Rica and Belize.(amazing trip)   Over the course of spring and summer, he would ask me if we could get together and talk.  We would get coffee at Starbucks and he would say, "I am waiting on you to let go of the resentment you feel for me.  I am waiting on you to let go of the past two years.  It's like we have switched roles."  I told him I was trying.  But what I never told him was what I needed to hear;  I wanted him to know how to love me naturally, on his own.  I wanted him to shower me with I love yous and affection, without me telling him that was what I needed.  I wanted it to be something that came natural to him. We tried for ten months till one day in October, something my roommate said pushed me to end it.  Megan said, "well you're never going to do anything about how you feel, so it doesn't really matter."  I went over to his house that day and broke it off.  He wasn't surprised but I cried a lot.

I went back and forth with my decision for a while.  I just wasn't ready to be with him for the rest of my life when I didn't know if he could love me like I needed to be loved and when I had essentially only wanted him for three years at this point.  I wanted to see what else was out there.  Finally, six months after I ended it - he called me when he was on a weekend trip to L.A. and said, "I am in love with you Rachel.  I love you."  He waited three and a half years to tell me he loved me.  I wanted him to say that for so long and it hurt so bad to finally hear it when it was too late.  I did love him very much but I was no longer in love with him; I never have been since that day in November when he told me I wasn't the one.  He is such a wonderful man and I still love him very much but sometimes, for some reason, some things that are broken can not be healed or mended or put back together.  Sometimes timing is just off.  He found an amazing woman that loves him like crazy and married her last month.  I am so happy for them.  I am happy he is fully loved because he deserves it.

But here I am again, where I was seven years ago, almost to the day.  I met Patrick July 28, 2012.  I'll write more about our relationship later, but in short, he showed me what I want in a man.  He made me happier than I knew I could be.  We were completely intoxicated on one another.  Inseparable from the first day we met.  I remember the way he looked at me that first day, like he was trying to learn who I was from afar.  Our first date can't be touched.  He brought me a house warming orchid and when I got in the car (yes he opened my door), there was a bouquet of neon daisies waiting for me.  We met on a neon 80s pub crawl and he said he couldn't resist.  He would bring me flowers and text me all day long.  He knew exactly how to love me.  He was so affectionate, would find me in any room and come up to me.  It was natural with us from the beginning.  It has always been there - we had a level of attraction and comfort that I haven't ever had.  We came up with silly acronyms for each other because we couldn't stop "SLC" (smiling like crazy).  We also said "STAY" (still thinking about you) a lot.  It escalated to sending each other the first letter of long sentences just to see how well we could figure each other out.  He was crazy about me.  I really liked him but I was afraid.  I had been hurt deeply that summer and had some personal walls that I wanted to carry with me that I believe hurt him and our relationship.  It put a barrier around me, and I think scared Patrick; when he was the one all in up front, I was holding back.  I wasn't great to him and I was bratty at times because I didn't know who to trust or if I could let someone in again.  Looking back, I wish I would have just let go and jumped in, but as it went, I must have waited too long to do that.

He broke up with me in February.  I tried to cut things off high and dry but inevitably we ended up doing this breakup but dating dance for the past eight months.  Every time I asked if he wanted to try again, he said he made a decision in February and it was for a reason.  In October I asked him what he has been learning and he said he still hasn't thought more about his decision to change his mind.  He just has a feeling that we aren't meant to be.  He says we come from different backgrounds and we wouldn't be happy together.  It's crazy to me he says that because we always seem better together and happier with each other, but maybe he doesn't feel what I feel.  His excuses sound really familiar and for the past eight months, I have loved him deeply and been in love with him but I am not in love with him anymore.

Three weeks ago, I wrote him a letter saying goodbye.  I do not know what the future holds, but I was not moving on from him doing what we were doing.  And simply put, he just doesn't want me.  Something is holding him back and he didn't want to make a commitment to me.  I put it out there and asked him not to speak to me unless he was sure of what he wanted from me.  Everyone has been so disappointed that it has taken me this long to take control of the situation but I love him.  It is easy to give advice from the outside (I do it all the time) but when you're in it, it can be the worst thing you've ever felt and the hardest thing you've ever had to do. The past three weeks have been extremely difficult.  All I want is to be in his arms again, but only if he wants all of me and wants to make me his.

However, I met someone(Chance) a couple different times this past summer that happened to reach out to me last week.  He asked me if I would like to get drinks or dinner sometime.  I didn't even know he was interested in me this summer, but he did notice me.  Turns out, he had a girlfriend at the time and is single now as well.  Last Saturday, Chance took me bowling then out to dinner and we had such a good time.  We have been talking everyday and he is giving me new hope.  We had dinner again on Monday and watched a movie.  It is easy to talk to him and I feel comfortable around him.  I feel excited when I am going to see him and look forward to getting a text or phone call from him.

But with all this happening, I can't help but feel a sense of déjà vu.  It has me spooked.  I have this constant feeling in my chest, I don't know how to explain it, but its always there.  I don't know what will happen next and there is a lot of beauty in that.  Part of me is afraid that Patrick will come back when its just slightly too late just like Ben did.  I don't think I could go through another breakup like Ben and I went through but this one is feeling an awfully lot like that one.  It feels like there is something about us that we can't let go of.  I have no idea if this has been hard for him at all or what he is feeling but it has been so hard for me.  He is someone I could see my life with, but only if he wants to be the man he was when we met.  He changed over the past year and is afraid of everything he was ready for when we met.  Chance is so sweet and seems ready for a relationship.  He is exactly what I need right now and at this point, it is too early to tell what it means and I don't know for what purpose.  I have no idea what is going to happen next.  I just hope and pray with all of me that this time, history doesn't repeat itself.

Let's hope this time, it's déjà vu with a twist.

. . . hold the boys.

A few weeks ago I met a guy(boy) from Ireland.  It really wasn't the ideal meet cute.  It was daylight savings weekend and around 3:30 in the morning.  I was looking for my friend who said she was getting pizza but she was no where to be found.  Instead I found myself outside a pizza joint telling a stranger talking with two of my friends in an Irish accent that I was Irish.  They were wondering if his accent was real, somehow me telling him I was Irish was more interesting. 

We started talking.  I was more interested in catching a cab.  I don't know how he did it, but somewhere between needing to pee like a wizard and freezing cold, this fellow talked me into coming home with him.  Now, lets get something straight, I do not sleep around at all.  I like to hangout and make out but that is the extent of my dating "hook ups."  We went back and forth because I really did want to go home.  I told him I didn't get why he wanted me to come over because nothing was going to happen.  He said he would sleep on the couch, he just wanted me to come hangout with him for a little while.  Even thinking about it now, I am so annoyed with myself for going home with him.  He was true to his word though - we watched a movie, talked and fell asleep.  Yes, he did kiss me but I really wish he hadn't.  I should not have gone home with him, but live and learn.  This situation was definitely my fault, of course he was going to kiss me if I went to "hangout" with him at his house in the middle of the night.  I am horrible at not kissing someone that tries to kiss me.  I don't know how to "not awkardly" say no please don't.  (something I really need to work on apparently)

What I am learning is that, "chivalry" is freaking dead.  I don't want to kiss strangers.  I expect at LEAST a date before a man tries to go in for a kiss.  What makes him think he can kiss me?  This situation was definitely my fault.  I should not have gone home with him - but a few weeks prior, I was a little more brave telling a guy I met through a friend he couldn't kiss me without taking me on a date first.  This worked magically.  No kiss and I didn't have to give him my number when he asked.  I know what I am looking for.  If there is something about a man that piques my interest enough and he does ask for my number and I give it to him(two HUGE ifs in my life at this point), he better be asking me on a proper date.

Irish boy was very interesting.  He was funny and witty and his accent alone is enough to make me want to hangout with him (easy I know).  He dropped me off the next morning while trying to invite his way to brunch with me.  I was meeting girlfriends and not bringing him with me.  However he did message me a couple hours later asking if I would come watch football with him.  Yeah sure, I would have liked to, but we can't go from meeting to "hanging out".  Where is the romance in the world these days?  A man doesn't have to spend money on me, he could ask me to go for a walk in the park for all I care, but I want him to take initiative.  It is the fact that he thought about what he wants to do and asked me if I was open and made a plan for us to spend time together.  What is with men these days thinking they can just ask me to hangout?  It sets a precedent for the entire relationship.  If we start off sitting at home and never going out - what would our relationship be like?

He talked to me all day everyday the next week and said he would take me on a date but by the time Friday night rolled around - he said he would take me on a date "next week".  What was he doing Friday and Saturday night? . . . turns out, drinking and then calling me at 2 am in the morning (Only God knows for what reason) but I was already fast asleep.  Sunday morning rolls around and he apologizes for the late night calls and texts, explains that he had a "boys day" and got rip roaring drunk.  Nevertheless, he was ready to hangout with me again and watch football.  I was already over it at this point.  I told him I was going to meet friends and if he wanted to join, he could.  We had a great afternoon together.  My friends liked him.  He really is hilarious. . . but humor alone, does not a make a good man.  He told me he wanted to take me out and asked if I was free Monday.  You see,  a friend was coming into town and he only had Monday open.  I was tired Monday - I was over this "boy".  I asked if we were still on for the evening and he asked if we could reschedule.  So much for this one, right?

This was my fault.  I allowed it to start off wrong.  Good thing I know what I am looking for and let it go before it even started.  I just hope that if other women are out there dealing with these "boys," they will recognize them for what they are and leave it be.  Don't go after a boy, wait on a man.  They must still be out there somewhere, right?  So for now, I'll stay single on the rocks, and please - hold the boys.